A Private’s Affair
OLD PRIEST, NEW PRIEST
Yag Nam, a dyslexic soldier, is a man who never lived in a closet. Yag believes that a private’s private behavior is his own business (though he always expresses his behavior publicly on St. Patrick’s Day). But something is bothering Yag. He has approached young Fr. Logicus, the new priest assigned to Yag’s Bay Area church, to hear his confession. Let’s eavesdrop on the confession. (Ed. Note: In real life, revealing another’s confession constitutes an excommunicable offense. But this is only satire, not real life.)
Yag: (kneeling behind the screen) Bless me, father. I am Yag Nam. I have erred.
Fr. Logicus: You what?
Yag: I erred. Blundered. Okay, I had a behavioral miscalculation.
Fr. Logicus: You mean you sinned?
Yag: I suppose you could say that.
Fr. Logicus: It would help if you could say that.
Yag: Well…uh…it’s just that…um…the old pastor —
Fr. Logicus: You mean Fr. Harry See?
Yag: Yeah. Fr. See would never call it sin.
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A wise and ancient scholar named Waniphallis (d. 666) once remarked to his Latin colleagues…
Here he is — the wonderful troublemaker, the gadfly of Athens who makes difficulties everywhere, especially where life is too easy for thought or thought too easy for honesty.
I hated myself for helping the ape. I hated the pleasure his development gave me, like I was a god lifting this furry mute from stupidity.